How To Survive The 19 Holidays

Each year is full of anniversaries, fun, entertainment, weddings, holidays and more. How to get through this year without wanting to kill yourself - again. Here are some tips.

With family

Birthdays - People fall into one of two categories you either love'em or loathe'em. If you plan on celebrating then enjoy your day, but be wary of birthday cake comes. The camera adds 15 pounds.

Easter - Jesus got bamboozled on both his big days. The fat man in the red suit barged in a Christmas and giant egg pudding rabbit crashed Easter. Enjoy those peeps!

Mother's day - She brought you into this world and you thanked her with dirty diapers. You owe reparations, so treat the first woman in your life to a nice meal and a card. Sound nuts, but women love cards. Trust me.

Father's day - Fathers get the short end of the stick, so let dad know you appreciate him more than another ugly tie. Something fun. Something that can roast a whole animal. Hint hint.

Thanksgiving - Quite possibly the greatest American holiday. Get ready to eat, but have a backup plan when your creepy uncle plops down to watch the game with his pants unbuttoned.

Holiday shopping - Unless you are prepared to throw elbows at old women, online is the way to go. It's easy, convenient and you don't have to wear pants.

Hanukkah - Put on your yalmulkha, here comes Hanukkah. It's so much fun-akkah to celebrate Hanukkah. If you're of the Jewish faith, enjoy your eight crazy nights. If not, enjoy a bowl of matzo ball soup. It's chicken soup with a giant cracker ball. Quite delicious.

Christmas - Getting together with family is gun, but can result in migraines. make time for your family, but also your friends. Eat a lot of food, open gifts and be thankful you don't have to visit Aunt Fitz-monster for another 364 days.

Kwanzaa - Kwanzaa is a week-long celebration held in the United States honoring African heritage and culture, observed from December 26 January 1. Unfortunately, it still involves your crazy relatives.

Eid-al-Fitr - Muslims celebrate this festival after the 30 days of fast. So enjoy the sugar feast. Attack on food, Chaat, Sawaiyan with distributing the words Happy Eid Mubarak.

Diwali - Is also called the 'festival of lamps'. Hindu community especially in India celebrates this religious holidays. Clean your house make the entrance way colorful using the traditional Rangoli designs.

With friends

New year's day - Start the evening with a plan that involves more than pushing the human body to the limits of alcohol consumption. Like how you're getting home. Walking up in a jail cell spooning a guy named "Kong" isn't a good way to start the NEW year.

Valentine's day - Warning: If you're in a relationship handle this day with care or disastrous results follow. Flowers for jewelry? Candy or stuffed animal? What color are my eyes? Choose wisely, grasshopper.

Halloween - Women seem to follow a simple formula. Add the word cowgirl to any costume - sexy, sailor, cat, whatever. They're happy, we're happy and this crazy world continues to turn.

Making it through school finals - You below off class and the foreign kid with the good notes took his exam early. It's a hard knock life. Organize a study group, crack some books and don't wait until the last minute. Or, just change your name and flee the scene.

With colleagues

Groundhog day - No reason you should care about this day, he either sees his shadow or doesn't. Better to trust your local weather man than a giant chipmunk with an overbite.

Independence day - God bless our world. Nothing says freedom like beer and China-made explosives. We know it's hard to resist the urge to cram 20 cherry bombs in an anthill, but remember that handling hot dogs with only three fingers is a balancing act.

Earning extra cash for the holidays - The economy is in the crapper, but there are extra jobs this time of year. Hit up Craigslist and OLX or just grab a snow shovel and put back into it.

Holiday work parties - Hopefully you work for a company that provides an open bar-woo hoo! If not, then get ready for a Fresca and a barren cheese platter. Do enjoy some holiday spirits, but maintain a little poise. You don't want your co-workers thinking 12 steps.
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